Wishful Thinking

           

           

*bzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

*WAP* I got him! Mosquitos are coming for me all afternoon like I am the last grand buffet standing. It seems so difficult to enjoy the fall season here, when the fall doesn't seem to come at all. I come out here afternoon after afternoon and it is all the same to me. The same weather, the same sounds, and the only thing that keeps me coming back are the changes in the clouds at sunset. The camera around my neck is heavy, but it's not full. This is starting to be a little more common than I'd like, and to be honest at times when I feel the most defeated I still find myself kicking my way back here. 

           I remind myself, thinking that I should be happy with what I have and that I should use what I have to the best of my abilities. I should listen to these gentle reminders, but I don't always! That is why I am here babbling about on the internet telling how silly I am to myself at times. 

Two of the hardest things we are constantly on the conquest of finding, are a love that is true and our undying passion. We are not always born knowing exactly what it is that we are meant to do or what we are good at. We are also not always brought up with a good example of what love is supposed to look like. We are creatures that lead by example, and we try to avoid the examples that have driven us astray. 

Just a few years ago, I had a lonely camera sitting on the top of my closet gathering dust.It was my graduation gift and I recall fully intending on making it a career for myself. I found that once I became too busy with life and everything I thought I needed to be doing that it was easy for me to forget what really mattered to me. I never even gave myself the chance to really learn the inner workings of my camera. I remember convincing myself that I would never be good enough anyways. So there it sat, next to my high school yearbook...pointing at me every-time I opened my closet.

* I look down at the camera around my neck, remembering that camera* You're not that camera, it's not the same. Yet why do I feel the same guilty feeling I shared before?  * I look through the view finder and point the lens towards the sun, I adjust my aperture and my shutter speed getting the light just perfect and I put my pointer finger on the trigger...sigh...I drop the camera back down around my neck and let it hang with my head*

              What do you do whenever you feel like you've lost your will to create for your passion?

                              When you're riding the unmotivated train and it just seems to move faster and never slow down.

        - The Sun made its last light on the tree line, and suddenly I was alone with the moon again. - 

         Now, maybe this is silly, but ever since I was a little girl, I remember lifting the window blinds and finding the closest star to my bedroom window. Once I found one I shut my eyes super tight and clinched my fists and wished as hard as I could with all of my heart. To let you in on a little secret, I still find myself star searching to this day.

            However, a lot less often now since I feel that I have gotten everything I've ever hoped for, I tend to leave all of the stars to the people that need it the most. Do not give up on counting your stars. <3

              

           Yet tonight, I screamed silently in my heart to please, OH PLEASE let me find an ounce of creativity and motivation, but the wish wasn't just for me. It was for all of the people I love and for all of the people that follow me on my way. I never want to let anyone down. I won't and I can't. It is easy to give up, and harder to keep finding the strength.  - So I wished for just enough strength -

          

     - I got up and slowly walked away down the same path that I walk every night back to my car and placed my camera on the passenger seat...-

                    *I looked down at my camera....*                            "We Will Get Through This..."

                               *******           

            I am constantly finding myself starving for a little more than I did the day before. I know that can't be a bad thing, because it's the same thing that gets me out of bed every single day. What I have learned about being a full time creator is that it's only sometimes that I have to put down my camera and pick up something else that I have left alone for some time. I have found that I gather my inspiration through my life experiences. So it's time to to allow myself to live. Sometimes I am just waiting for something to smack me in the face, and have some kind of eureka moment! I sometimes imagine God shaking his head at me, for great things don't come so easily.

What I never want to happen, is to lose my passion by overwhelming myself with the pressures of constantly creating. I think social media has taken away the creative process and turned it into a race.

Yet we have adapted, To keep on keeping on.

If you struggle with this too, my advice to you is...don't let the flame go out, protect yourself from the wind. 

Your passion is still alive within you...even if you don't feel it there all the time. 

Oh and this... 

You ARE ENOUGH.

For those that have not found their passion:

most of us have not been allowed the advantages of allowing our minds to sit idol for awhile and sometimes awhile can mean months. We are usually riddled with stressers of our day to day responsibilities  that we don't have the time to think about what it is that makes you, well...YOU.

When we are kids we have this time, we are imaginative and we are pulled in certain directions. Whether that's collecting and treasure hunting, playing musical instruments in the school band, or getting art kits for Christmas every year and wearing out your color pencils.

As adults we don't really have this luxury, and we often get jealous of people that have figured it out early!

We also have the distraction of our cell phones and any time that we have to be idol with ourselves and our thoughts, we spend it on the inter webs.

I encourage you to look more deeply at the things that pull your interest, that is one good thing about social media platforms. We tend to follow things that are niche to us.  Think about why it is you are pulled towards these things and write down some things that you feel inspired by.

Are you inspired by interior design, the fashion, the photographs, the food that they cook?

The truth is your passion is probably right under your nose and all around you, and you just haven't realized it yet.

But once you have realized, please take the time to carve out in your busy schedule to practice it as much as you can.

You can change your life with it, and don't be afraid to try.

                                                                                                       Look up to the stars,

                                                                                                    Carrot Cake Sweetie